Research reports that when you practice gratitude you can in fact reduce depression and anxiety by keeping positive thoughts in mind. We all can remember being told to be grateful from early on in our childhood whether it was for receiving a gift or praise of some kind. Unfortunately, these types of statements, though well-intended, often limit emotional space. We start to believe it is not okay to feel angry, sad, or disappointed when there is so much we should be grateful for. If this experience resonates with you, know you are not alone. We all have developed internal beliefs, over time, that can become harmful if we do not tackle them. So how do you reframe your thoughts about gratitude? You need to identify how they developed in the first place.

The Development of Gratitude

If you’ve heard statements from family members as you grew up related to being grateful for all you have, know you are not alone. Their goal was most likely to help you focus on the positive aspects of life so that you could manage any negative emotions. However, “negative” emotions are not necessarily real. All emotions have adaptive qualities that support our survival in some way. However, typically we tend to view certain “negative feelings” (e.g. sadness, anger, fear) as being harmful in some way. So when we start to feel them, we do everything we can to get rid of them. The messages about gratitude from our families as children teach us to use gratitude as a substitute for “negative” emotions. Thus, we’ve all developed some problematic beliefs about what it truly means to be grateful. We may often feel that it is shameful to express or feel things outside of gratitude.

Gratitude Facts

So what is the truth about gratitude?

1. Gratitude can exist alongside other feelings

   We rarely feel only one emotion; this is okay and normal! We are complex beings and this means we hold multiple feelings at once like gratitude and anger or gratitude and sadness.

2. It should not feel shameful to not feel grateful

   Gratitude is a feeling like any other. You can choose to focus on things that increase feelings of gratitude, however if you aren’t feeling grateful and other feelings are popping up, that’s okay too!

3. It is okay to express emotions outside of gratitude

   As many of us have been told to express gratitude since early on in our lives, we might feel we have to suppress other feelings. However, if we do this, we miss out on the adaptive information these feelings give us such as anger signaling an injustice has occurred or fear alerting you to danger. Ignoring these emotions by solely focusing on gratitude makes it difficult to take care of yourself.

How can we be grateful without invalidating our other feelings?

1. Consider gratitude as just one part of your life experience

   It is unrealistic to assume you will only feel one way about something. Rather than feel ashamed of other emotions, look at them as parts of a puzzle. You may feel grateful for the sacrifices your family made for you during childhood, however you may also feel sad when considering that you did not spend as much time with them during your childhood as you may have wished. These parts shouldn’t invalidate one another; they both exist at the same time.

2. Give space to all emotions, including gratitude

   Allow each emotion to exist; give space and validate each feeling. Take time to engage with each emotion that is a part of yourself rather than only focusing on positives such as gratitude.

3. Allow each part of yourself be seen

   It’s important to both validate your feelings and allow yourself to experience feelings in the moment. Particularly within relationships, you may find as you engage with your emotions that it is important to express feelings in a relationship. It can be helpful to have someone to share those feelings with that can hold some of these emotions with you.

No feelings cancel out your gratitude. Keeping enough space for all of your feelings, you may find a deeper meaning and authenticity to your experience of gratitude, then you’ve ever had before. As you deepen your ability to experience and relate to all emotions, you will also deepen your capacity for gratitude and the many positive benefits that come from it.

What are some ways in which you practice gratitude? Looking for insight on ways to develop gratitude practice, click here.