As you go through life, it’s important to fully understand what makes up a healthy relationship. This is something that is not taught in schools & is usually learned through trial & error based on previous experiences. Personal relationships will develop within families, friends, colleagues & acquaintances. The shared experience of living, working & spending time together with similar interests is what creates emotional bonds, interactions & trusting relationships.

The primary relationship that often provides the foundation for future relationships, is the family dynamic that was present as you grew up. It is here that you developed a sense of self, as you figured out where you fit into your family system. It is expected that parents will provide a safe, loving & stable environment, however that is not always what happens. For example, maybe your parents often bickered with each other or made you feel as if things were your fault. As a result you developed a pattern of trying to pacify your parents in an effort to reduce conflict or to gain their love & approval. This behavior will unfortunately carry over to other relationships in your life & will need to be adjusted as you learn how to have healthy relationships as an adult.  

Below you will find several important characteristics that can help you evaluate your current relationships.

1)   Is there honesty & respect in your relationship? If there isn’t, it is important to note that patterns of dishonesty & disrespect are often associated with unhealthy relationship dynamics. For example, if you place a boundary that is blatantly not respected by someone in your life or you notice a pattern of lying, it is time to reevaluate who you choose to be close with. Mutual respect for each other is extremely important for healthy relationships to grow. Dishonesty & lies should not be tolerated- you deserve better!

2)    Do you feel safe? If your safety is threatened in any way, you are in a toxic relationship. Physical, emotional & sexual abuse is a common characteristic of unhealthy relationships & requires immediate attention. For example, if you often feel gaslighted by someone to the point that you are questioning your own sanity, this is a sign of emotional abuse. Abuse of any kind should never be tolerated! Never justify someone else’s actions if it hurts you in any way.

3)   Are you equals? A healthy relationship means that you & your partner view each other as true equals; neither one is more important or special than the other. If someone in your life continually compares you to themselves, or others, it’s time to move on. This is unhealthy & can cause your self-esteem to plummet.

4)   Are you feeling controlled? A controlling person will often go to great lengths to manipulate, threaten, coerce, or intimidate someone to get their way. They may justify their actions & requests, however be aware that controlling behavior is often a sign of an unhealthy balance in the relationship. Ask yourself, am I doing this because I want to or because my partner wants me to? Control is a sign of abuse which often coincides with a relationship being toxic. It may be time to walk away.

5)   Are you being supported emotionally? Do the people in your life want you to succeed or are they envious of your accomplishments? If someone is consistently jealous of your success, they may try to bring you down & it may be time to cut them out of your life. You need to be surrounded by those that love & support you!

6)   Can you communicate effectively? Are you able to speak your mind without fear or worry? In a healthy relationship we can expect to communicate boundaries, needs & wants assertively in a clear, calm & direct manner. If you notice that communication is passive-aggressive, aggressive or passive- these are signs of an unhealthy relationship. Be confident, know your worth & act assertively. Your needs matter!

7)   Have you lost your sense of self? Do you remember a time when your identity was all yours? You enjoyed engaging in specific recreational activities & hanging out with your friends. Lately however, you feel unsure of who you are – where does this relationship end & you exist? It’s important to remain independent & autonomous while in healthy relationships. If your identity becomes enmeshed with another person- it’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Maintain your individuality & get together with your friends. Identify what interests are solely yours & enjoy them!

8)   Do you compromise or do you feel forced to go along with other peoples’ ideas & plans? Healthy relationships consist of a mutual give & take. They should be open to all points of view & support all involved. There is a level of reciprocity in healthy relationships that cannot be overlooked. If someone is unwilling to compromise, it’s time to reevaluate the nature of the relationship.

For further support in ensuring your relationships develop into healthy and fulfilling ones, click here.