Being in a relationship with someone who has a trauma history can be uniquely challenging at times. In many cases, individuals who experience trauma may behave in ways that are hard for their partner to understand. They may experience panic attacks, express distrust, escalate quickly to anger, or become disengaged. As trauma can interrupt emotional processing, those who have experienced trauma often struggle to articulate what is really going on inside of them. This can cause conflict and miscommunication, and it can make it difficult for well-intended partners to know what kind of support to provide. 

If this sounds a bit like your experience, not to fear! There are ways to become a trauma-informed and compassionate partner while also maintaining your own boundaries and safety within your relationship. Here are some ways to begin to help your partner and understand trauma and relationships better.

Trauma and Behavior

To respond to your partner’s trauma, it is important to first understand the nature of their experience. The term trauma refers to intense emotional and psychological distress associated with an event or a series of events. This can include experiences such as:

• abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional)

• witnessing or experiencing violence

• poverty/homelessness

• neglect

• serious injury or illness

• the sudden death of a loved one

• being the target of racism and/or discrimination

• natural disasters

In the midst of a traumatic event, our bodies go into a survival state that helps us to cope. However, this state may also prevent us from being able to emotionally process what is happening. When someone is considered traumatized by an experience, it means that the intense emotions from the event are essentially stuck in their nervous system. Because of this, when they are later reminded of the traumatic event in some way (i.e. when the trauma gets triggered), their body and brain will respond the way it did at the time of the original trauma. This means that at some point you will likely see your partner enter survival states, such as fight, flight and/or freeze. 

What is Trauma

In a fight response, the body becomes highly activated, releasing a surge of energy designed to help an individual escape or attack a threat. In this state, your partner may suddenly feel keyed up and incredibly overwhelmed inside. Here are some indicators that your partner may be in fight response:

• Aggression (raising voice, physically acting out, escalating in conflict)

• Appearing overwhelmed (sobbing, shaking)

• Agitation (appearing on-edge)

• Anxiety/panic

• Misperceptions (expressing distrust, making negative assumptions)

• Violence directed at self or others (screaming, hitting, verbal attacks, throwing things, suicidal behaviors/threats) 

In the freeze state, a very different response occurs. The body becomes deactivated, listless, and numb as it attempts to conserve its resources and avoid feelings of pain. In the freeze response your partner might show the following:

• Disengagement (shutting down in conversation, appearing uninterested, silence)

• Difficulty focusing or remembering details 

• Depression (oversleeping, disinterest in activities)

• Stonewalling (not addressing concerns, refusal to engage in conflict)

• Substance use (to further disengage and avoid pain)

• Being sexually distant

What is especially confusing is that these states can be entered without warning, in situations that you might perceive as neutral and non-threatening. You may not realize what triggers your partner and, as a result, you may assume they are acting irrationally. Expressing this can further increase their sense of being threatened, which can often reinforce the trauma. It is a delicate situation, but the good news is there is hope for healing. 

So how do you help?

1. Educate yourself and your partner on trauma. All of the information above is essential for developing compassion for your partner. When you understand how trauma affects the nervous system, you realize that these kinds of responses are sometimes outside of your partner’s control. This does not mean they are incapable of developing new responses but, in the meantime, this knowledge may help to reframe their actions. Instead of seeing their behavior as an attack on you,  you may view it as a reaction to their overwhelmed nervous system. Additionally, when your partner understands the concept of trauma, it helps them to take ownership of their behaviors and work towards ways of regulating themselves. 

2. Identify your partner’s triggers (and your own). Trauma responses are always connected to some trigger. As an example, let’s say your partner becomes incredibly angry when you tell them that you are going on a business trip for a few days. It may be confusing to understand what exactly is causing such a strong reaction. However, if you take into account their history, it starts to make sense. For instance, you may be aware that your partner experienced significant neglect as a child. If that’s the case, the trigger is likely some sense your partner has that they are being abandoned. Logically, they know the difference between a business trip and a parent leaving them, but their nervous system may not be able to gauge the difference. By identifying this with your partner, you can offer them reassurance of your care for them, and they can make efforts to regulate their emotional response. Additionally, it is equally important to recognize your own triggers and ways they may be activated in your relationship. 

3. Learn to scale distress. In conflict, trauma responses can create a lot of intensity and there are points at which it may be hard for your partner to feel a sense of control over their behaviors. That is why it can be really helpful to develop an emotional scale with your partner. This could look like asking: “On a scale of 0-10, how distressed are you feeling right now?” If your partner is above a 5, consider taking a break rather than continuing to engage in the discussion. At this level of distress, your partner will be better off if they focus on regulating themself before making progress in resolving the conflict with you. 

4. Understand your own boundaries. While you want to be compassionate towards your traumatized partner, you do not want to enable a cycle of abuse in your relationship. Violence, verbal assaults, threats — these are all dangerous and unacceptable behaviors, and if your partner is not actively working to make changes, you will likely experience your own trauma in the relationship. Be careful about any temptation you may have to condone your partner’s behavior or to believe that their emotional wellbeing is dependent on you. There is a difference between understanding their experience and feeling responsible for their experience. 

5. Know when it’s time to get help. There is no shame in seeking help. Trauma can create confusing and debilitating dynamics within a relationship. Particularly in situations where both members of a couple have some trauma history, therapy can be essential. Couples therapy can be especially useful for helping you understand cycles that contribute to distress within the relationship. Engaging in individual therapy can also help you to gain awareness that may positively affect your relationship as well. 

Trauma can feel like a disorienting, unwelcome presence in your relationship. At times, you may feel hopeless to resolve it. However, with a depth of compassion and intentional efforts towards growth, you can start to experience the best of both yourself and your partner. 

Interested in support for you, your partner, or seeking couples counseling? Click here.