Research shows that chemistry often presents itself not on the first date, but on the second (Finkel et al., 2012). Physical attraction is actually secondary to topics of conversation, emotional engagement, and manners in determining whether a second date will occur. Dating is a tough market and while you may dazzle your date, you may still be ghosted the next day. As with any market, there are some core principles to dating that will ensure you start off on the right foot.
Be on time
No one wants to wait for his or her date to arrive late. It can be really uncomfortable and awkward waiting outside a restaurant alone or sitting alone at a bar, waiting for someone to show. Punctuality is not only a sign of success but also shows respect for the other person. Things may come up like traffic or an emergency, however if these situations do arise, let your date know and give them a legitimate reason. If you are anxious and rushing to meet your date, take a deep breath, smile, and greet them with an apology. Kindness and humility go miles.
Listen and ask interesting questions
No one wants to hear a date speak about themselves the whole night. Self-esteem is great and self-love is important, however so is listening and learning about your date. You are both there to get to know one another so ask interesting questions that provoke emotion instead of typical questions like, “What do you do for work?”. Questions like, “What do you love about your job?” or “If you could have dinner with one celebrity who would it be?” are more likely to provoke emotions and further the conversation. Show you are listening by asking follow-up questions or commenting on things your date has said. Your date will be impressed that you’ve remembered details about these conversations in the future.
Don’t discuss exes
We all have exes and baggage; both are okay. What isn’t okay is discussing past relationships on the first date. You are there to get to know your date and share new experiences, don’t let your ex get in the way of that. When you bring up an ex on the first date it makes it seem like perhaps there are unresolved feelings there, not a good look when meeting someone new. Also remember that dating new people is not a healthy way to get over an ex.
Have fun
Dating can feel stressful and scary, and sometimes people believe dating is a waste of time, however, remember it can be fun. Whether you meet your future spouse or not, dating can fun as it allows you to meet new people and try new things. Social encounters are good for you, especially if you have a positive outlook about them.
Stay off your phone
It’s frustrating to try and have a conversation with someone busy on their phone. You are on a date with another person, there to get to know you, so take a break from texts and social media, focus on the present. Studies show that those who have a bad first date note that their date spent most of the time on their mobile device. If you need to use the phone, make it quick while in the restroom, otherwise turn it on silent and put it away.
Stay away from controversial topics
While debates are interesting, avoid topics like finances, politics and religion on a first date. While it may be important your date share the same political and religious views as you, the first date isn’t the time to hash that all out. Get to know your date first and you can get to understand their views and background which allows you to discuss controversial topics over time without heated emotions attached.
Finkel and colleagues (2012) 53% of men and women are willing to go on a second date even if they felt no romantic chemistry on the first. When asked why, 50% of singles said they felt the person may “grow” on them if given further opportunity to get to know them. Without really getting to know someone, we have no idea what we are missing out on.
