Getting a text or call from a friend, family member, or romantic partner with the words, “We have to talk”, always evokes a bit of anxiety. Whether you’re the one delivering this statement or receiving it, we all definitely don’t enjoy this phrase and what often follows. Are there ways to talk without having to use this phrase? Absolutely. This post aims to provide you with a way to communicate with others, never having to use this statement.

Conflict and negative thoughts or feelings only progress when we avoid discussing them. For many of us, we avoid these difficult situations because we are fearful of what the outcome will be. We don’t feel like we have the time to devote to a difficult conversation or we don’t think a positive outcome will occur. Whatever the reason, the excuses to avoid having these difficult conversations are endless and keep us from working through challenges and moving to the other side.

Here are some ways to start those difficult conversations:

1. Detachment: Recognize that the outcome is not important. The important thing here is your emotional health. It isn’t good to hold things in both for you, and your relationship. If you’ve accepted that this conversation isn’t about the outcome, you’ll be more able to express yourself in a way that’s calm and avoids escalating into an argument.

2. Determine Who You Actually Need To Talk To: Typically the most difficult conversations we have don’t involve others, they are focused on ourselves. Having a conversation with oneself about sticking to a goal or boundary can be more difficult than any conversation with someone else. Sometimes recognizing we need to stick to our guns is really what matters as opposed to having the difficult conversation in the first place.

3. Accept that You May Be Wrong: We all like to be right. It’s part of human nature. However, if you go into a difficult conversation with the goal of proving someone else wrong, it’s likely arguments and negative emotions will arise. It’s important you can express yourself, however an important skill is the ability to agree to disagree in a difficult conversation. Is it worth being right or being happy?

4. Schedule an Appointment: Once you have considered the above topics, it’s time to actually initiate the conversation. Start by asking the other person for some times when they are available to speak.By asking, you are giving the other person a sense of control over the situation, reducing their resistance to having a conversation to begin with. Setting up a difficult conversation like this allows you to get someone who is willing to communicate with you as opposed to someone who feels blindsided by the topic, causing the conversation to escalate into a full-blown argument.

5. Share Your Intention: Let the other person know at the start what you are looking for. You might be looking to be heard, looking for some sort of behavioral change, etc. Make this known from the start so it is clear what you are requesting.

6. Utilize Mirroring: Make sure you both agree to paraphrase one another’s words as you take turns sharing your thoughts and feelings. This allows each of you to feel you are being heard. Make sure there are no other distractions to make this difficult either (e.g. phone, computer)!

7. Validate The Other Person: After you paraphrase what the other person is saying, find something about what they are saying that you can validate with sincerity. Even if you agree to disagree, make sure they know what they’re saying does make sense to you.

Click here for additional support if you are struggling to have difficult conversations.