Parenting kids of any age is one of the most emotionally challenging things most people go through.  It is filled with daily struggles to motivate yourself and motivating your kid(s), sometimes even motivating your spouse as well.   Trying to get your kids to go to sleep on time, wake up on time, get ready for school, eat their vegetables, get dressed, get bathed, do their homework, catch the bus, put down the cell phone, and another thing, and another thing without conclusion.  Additionally, add onto this a child’s propensity to resist, refuse, and challenge a parent’s patience and you have a very strong source of chronic mental distress for a parent.  While being a parent has its built-in rewards like cuddle time, hearing your kids laugh, and the occasional unsolicited “I love you mommy” or “I love you daddy”, the day-to-day can be very emotionally, mentally, and physically exhaustive.  It is at this point where a lot of parents fall into a trap and build a series of assumptions that decrease their effectiveness as parents.  Some of these assumptions include “my kid should know what I know by now”, “my kid should just respect me and do what I say”, “it is wrong for a kid to question things the way they are”, and one of the most common “I gave them life and raised them so they should respect and appreciate me and my rules”.  These assumptions often lead to poor communication skills, unrealistic expectations, and increases in conflict.  While there are plenty of ways to reframe your thoughts and build more effective assumptions, these are three worthwhile assumptions that have been born out of my experience in the field of family therapy.

 

Assumption #1: “No kid in history (including yours) has ever chosen their life.”  No matter how blessed or challenged a child’s life may be, the lack of choice to have existed in that life is not something to ignore.  In the cases that include sexually educated and fully consenting adult parents, it was the choice of the child’s parents to create the circumstances that resulted in their child.   Therefore, everything that comes with raising the child all the way to adulthood was chosen by the consenting adults and not the child.

 

Assumption #2: “My kids do not owe me respect or a functioning relationship.” A relationship with your kids that works and is rooted in mutual respect is not a given.  Kids can recognize consistency, as well as a lack thereof, in their parents from a very early age.  They also start to develop the ability to assess the morality of your actions. Being able to see consistency and morality in what you say and what you do as a mentor is vital to building a respectful relationship.  If you ask your kids to manage their moods and daily stressors with skills, then this is something that you will need to do as well.  Though not all parents grow to be close with the kids, a mutually respectful relationship requires this foundation and a lot of effort to maintain it.

 

Assumption #3: “I am a human and my kids are also human.  Therefore, parenting is a human-to-human endeavor, not just a parent-child endeavor.”  This is to say that the same skills and instincts that help you navigate your close relationships with your friends, family, and other valued people in your life would also be very valuable with your child.  Whether you have a 5-year-old or a young adult, seeing your child’s difficulties as human struggles just as you would if your best friend came to you about the stress of their life.  Then try and engage with it as you would with empathy, support, patience, and respectful guidance (if needed).  This is often more valuable and effective in a parental role than one that is still mainly rooted in authority.

 

There are many other nuances to these, and other assumptions related to parenting as it is a very complex task to raise functioning human beings. These assumptions were listed as they seem to be very relevant to many families’ experiences and have a great impact on those who struggle to relate and function well with their children/parents.  If you would like a book recommendation related to a more mindful parenting approach, I can recommend Raising Good Humans by Hunter Clarke-Fields.

For more support in managing the many stressors around parenting click here.