Validating your partner is a skill that is essential to establishing and maintaining intimacy. When you validate your partner, you are letting them know that you see how they are feeling, their feelings are important to you, and you are giving reassurance that they feel that way. Everyone has a different experience, and those in distress may experience painful feelings for different reasons. What is hurtful for one partner may not be the same for another. Validating your partner is not the same as being in agreement, you can still disagree and validate. So here are some steps you can take in order to validate your partner:
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Recognize your partner’s feelings: Look behind the complaint for the feelings. If your partner comes to you and says, “We don’t spend enough time together”, they are most likely saying they feel lonely. Instead of becoming defensive, try acknowledging their emotions. For example, a reply can be “I can see that you miss me. It is hard when we are apart.”
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Be empathetic and curious about your partner’s feelings: Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and don’t be afraid to ask questions. The goal is to try and understand your partner’s experience and what they are feeling. If you show your partner genuine interest, you show them that you value them and that you are present with them.
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Normalize your partner’s feelings, based on their history: Knowing that someone may feel similar in the same situation will likely ease your partner’s feelings. “I hear that you felt anxious because I didn’t call, I would feel anxious too.” Find out why your partner feels the way that they do based on their life experiences.
Some of these statements may sound far-fetched but when you say them with vulnerability and genuineness, validation can benefit your relationship and help to resolve emotional conflict.
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