When one hears the word acceptance, it can bring up different definitions in different people. For example, many think that the term acceptance means viewing something as okay or that you are actively allowing it to be. This definition may be fitting for communicating these ideas but in the context of therapy, the term acceptance is used differently. In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, acceptance is a large part of the process of change and is a difficult skill to master. In this context acceptance (sometimes used in the term Radical Acceptance) can be the most powerful tool in building your mental health throughout your life.
The idea of acceptance for our purposes will be defined as follows:
“the observing of what is true without emotional or cognitive resistance”
If we use this definition, we can discuss how this may help many people struggling with mental health challenges. When we discuss things that we have little to no control over in our lives (i.e. the past or the feelings of others) and we find these unchangeable facts as unpleasant or undesirable, we tend to engage in thoughts and emotions that would be considered fighting or resisting the truth. For example, if you accidentally cut someone off in traffic and they spent the next 10 seconds honking their horn and making less than nice gestures at you, this could be a situation where a lot of people would spend a considerable amount of time and energy trying to, in a way, change the past. This would include thinking about how that situation could have played out differently, fantasizing about not making the mistake in the first place, or just holding onto the fear and other feelings about the event in the unconscious hopes that it will in some way make things better. In this example the past event is completely unchangeable, yet many people would ruminate on it for significant periods of time. It is here that the skill of acceptance would be very valuable. It would include acknowledging the facts of what happened including your thoughts and feelings at the time, and since, and deciding to not resist it. One would decide to see the facts and review ways to take lessons from it for the future but any efforts to try and adjust what happened would be very much like trying to move a mountain with your bare hands. Your energy is more effectively used elsewhere.
Acceptance can be difficult not because it is adding a new skill or task, but because it is the absence of a habitual response. The response to ruminate on the past or on the decisions of others is a very easy one to cement over one’s life so the process of no longer doing so can take time to relearn. However, this all starts with mindfulness so try to spend some time in the next few weeks and see if you can notice yourself having and resistant thoughts and feelings about anything that is not possible or unlikely to change in your life and feel free to reach out to a trusted support or to make an appointment should you need assistance with this process.
