In a committed relationship, whether a romantic relationship or another close and intimate relationship, there are certain areas we need to establish responding effectively and desirably to, in order to have an effective and supportive relationship. Some examples of things that we respond to more desirably include: validation, communication, loyalty, and trust.  Consequently, the absence of some of or all these things can lead to what John Gottman and Nan Silver (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 1999) referred to as the “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse” for a relationship.   These “four horsemen” include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.  One of the most destructive of these four is Contempt.  Contempt isn defined as, “the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn” (Google). After understanding this, one would need to consider either choosing to commit to a relationship with someone or committing to this contemptuous state of mind towards that same person (which likely wouldn’t feel too great on both sides of the relationship).  One of the easiest and most attractive ways to fall into contempt is to regularly experience resentment. Resentment refers to the once occurring or frequent feeling of anger we feel, in response to the idea of being wronged or treated unfairly.  Once this occurs often enough, and if one does not have the communication skills in a relationship to resolve this immediately, then one usually defends themselves against this feeling by either turning it inward and irrationally blaming oneself or turning it outward and begin to feel contempt for their partner.  Either way, this doesn’t feel good. However, there are safeguards that can be put in place to help protect yourself from this particular “horseman”.

• Practice talking about undesirable feelings with one another, across your relationships.  This can be something structured and practiced if this is not a skill you and your partner (or any other individual you have a relationship with) already practice.  This skill is most effective when these feelings are discussed while in a neutral or positive mood.  Waiting until you are in an argument to communicate these feelings limits their ability to be heard and fully considered.  Being able to have a built-in opportunity to talk about thoughts and feelings can help to allow the tension to be released, and resentment to be validated, before in turns into contempt.

• Self-care is another way to reduce resentment in a relationship.  With overall communication still being a priority, taking care of yourself in ways that are meaningful to you can help you reduce overall distress related to your relationships.  Additionally, allowing and encouraging your partner to engage in balancing self-care in their life without judgment can also help reduce resentment between partners.

• Practice assertiveness with those in your life.  Assertiveness is a way of communicating what you want for yourself in a given situation; that is maximizing fairness for yourself and others involved.  Resentment can easily occur when we feel that fairness is not being achieved between partners and we cannot assume that the other person can read our minds and know exactly what fairness looks like. It is important to keep judgments aside and allow what is important to you be known.

• If some of these are too difficult, put it on paper. Use a contract-style written communication method to clarify what changes are needed.  This can be handled much like a business meeting, without judgments, where both parties have a full opportunity to voice their thoughts and are able to negotiate terms of what can and can’t be agreed on at that time.  This contract can be renegotiated at an agreed upon future time, but while the contract is agreed upon, it should be given to both parties and used as motivation for changing habits in specific ways to better meet each other’s needs and decrease resentment.

These interventions are just a few examples of ways to reduce resentment in a relationship as it increases the communication of needs, thoughts, and feelings as well as one’s tolerance for naturally occurring, or created, unfair circumstances within relationships.  Take time to increase what method you might use to help increase communication elements in your relationships while mindfully decreasing resentment.

For more support around navigating the “four horsemen” within your significant relationships, click here.