The Challenges of Relationships
If there is one universal truth that everyone can agree on, at least to some degree, it is that relationships are difficult. Whether it is an intimate relationship, friends, family or even coworkers, there will always be effort and work required to maintain stability. The most simplistic reason is that we are all ultimately our own person. We all have our own dreams, values, goals, likes and dislikes. These differences can easily, and often unintentionally, lead to conflict. The conflict can range from different places you want to have dinner to different parenting styles you want to implement for your children. While it may seem almost instinctual to go into a problem solving/ solution-based approach, it may be beneficial to resist.
Why Problem-Solving Isn’t Always the Answer
More times than not, even in very challenging and serious conflicts, people are not truly seeking for others to solve their problems for them. Oftentimes, being heard, understood and validated can be far more important than finding a resolution. Additionally, hitting the brakes will allow time to hear each other out first which will likely improve the likelihood of finding a common ground where everyone wins. Allowing time and a judgement-free space for our partners to both be able to speak safely and listen comfortably will allow not only a chance to understand each other but also learn more about each other.
The Power of Effective Communication
When communicating, there are a variety of approaches that can either help or hinder the trajectory of the conversation, regardless of topic. A rather unique approach known as Gottman Method Couple Therapy has spent over 50 years implementing evidence based techniques to help maintain, improve and reconnect relationships. The heavily researched approach identifies certain ways of communicating that either help relationships flourish or plunder and have used the term The Four Horsemen, in reference to the Biblical story regarding the end of times, to emphasize how impactful they are to relationships (Gottman, J. M., and Gottman, J. S., (2008)). The Four Horsemen offer very distinct and helpful ways of identifying do’s and dont’s regarding communication.
Do’s
- Express your feelings starting with the word “I” followed by expressing a need that suggests would be helpful for the relationship
- Appreciate the positive qualities of our partner and a sense of appreciation for what they bring to the relationship
- Avoid challenging our partner’s perspective and experience, and accept responsibility of our own role in the situation
- Hit the brakes and take a moment to cool off and recollect in our own individual positive ways
Dont’s
- Express your feelings starting with the word “You” and pinpoint our partner’s flaws
- Go beyond criticism and let your partner be aware that your problems and concerns are more important or more difficult than theirs
- Emphasize how you are the victim and engage in reverse blame
- Withdraw from conversation completely to avoid making things worse
Works Cited
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2008). Gottman method couple therapy. In A. S. Gurman (Ed.), Clinical handbook of couple therapy (4th ed., pp. 138–164). The Guilford Press.
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