We hear a lot about the importance of forgiving those who have harmed us, but what about forgiving ourselves? Is that important as well? Absolutely. When we hurt others, we experience regret and apologize, hoping to make amends. However, we often beat ourselves up for mistakes and develop negative thoughts about ourselves because of it. Within these experiences come feelings of shame and guilt; while these feelings are similar and can occur in tandem with one another, they are slightly different. 

Shame and Guilt

Shame and guilt can feel very similar—in both experiences we feel bad about ourselves. But guilt can be understood as feeling disappointed in oneself for violating an important internal value or code of behavior. Feeling guilty can be healthy: It can open doors leading to positive behavior change. With shame, one can also feel a disappointment in oneself but no value has been violated. When we feel guilt, we feel bad about something we did or neglected to do. When we feel shame, we feel bad about who we are. When we feel guilty, we need to learn that it is okay to make mistakes. When we feel shame we need to learn that it is okay to be who we are.

Shame is unhealthy, causing lowered self-esteem (feelings of unworthiness) and behavior that reinforces a negative self-image. Shame can lead to self-criticism, self-blame, self-neglect, Self-destructive behaviors, self-sabotaging behavior, the belief that you do not deserve good things, and anger amongst other feelings. 

Self-Forgiveness

So how do we reduce shame and guilt? Self-forgiveness, particularly when it comes to shame. Self-forgiveness leads to emotional stability and peace of mind. The more shame you heal, the more you will be able to see yourself more clearly—the good and the bad. You will be able to recognize and admit how you have harmed yourself and others. Compassion is the antidote to shame. Self-compassion acts to neutralize shame and remove the toxins created by shame. Self-forgiveness is an important aspect of self-compassion. It acts to soothe our body, mind, and soul from the pain caused by shame, and it facilitates the overall healing process.

How Do I Engage in Self-Forgiveness?

Self-Understanding

Understanding the experiences, traumas, and stressors you have had across your lifetime, leading to the development of negative thought patterns can go a long way toward forgiving yourself for the ways that you have hurt yourself or others. Understanding the reasoning behind ways you cope or beliefs you have, can help you to stop beating yourself up for the choices you may or may not have made. 

Research shows that the long-term effects of trauma tend to be most obvious and prominent when people are stressed, in new situations, or in situations that remind them of the circumstances of their trauma. Thus, at times situations may trigger reactions we wish we didn’t have. However, understanding yourself through healthy coping skills, therapy and support can dramatically improve your ability to forgive and move forward. 

Common Humanity and Gaining Compassion for Yourself

Kristin Neff is a pioneer in the field of self-compassion. In her construct of self-compassion, she names recognition of the common human experience—or what she calls, “Common Humanity,” as the second fundamental element of self-compassion. In her book, Self-Compassion, she states that “self-compassion honors the fact that all human beings are fallible, that wrong choices and feelings of regret are inevitable.” 

We have all made mistakes. Knowing this and knowing that you are not alone, can help you to have compassion for yourself and to forgive yourself. Feeling compassion for yourself does not release you from taking responsibility for your actions but it can release you from negative self-talk that prevents you from forgiving yourself and free you to respond to the situation with clarity. 

When you examine your mistakes it becomes clear that you did not consciously choose to make them and even in those rare cases when you did make a conscious choice, the motivation for your actions was colored by other experiences. Because of the shame you have carried, outside circumstances, and additional stressors particular patterns formed. These outside circumstances can be genetics, family experiences, and life circumstances.

As Kristin Neff wrote in Self-Compassion: “When we begin to recognize that we are a product of countless factors, we don’t need to take our ‘personal failings’ so personally. When we acknowledge the intricate web of causes and conditions in which we are all embedded, we can be less judgmental of ourselves and others. A deep understanding of interconnectedness allows us to have compassion for the fact that we’re doing the best we can given the hand life has dealt us.”

Earning Your Forgiveness

If you find yourself struggling to engage in self-forgiveness, be open and curious with yourself. Ask yourself, “Why wouldn’t I want to forgive myself?” If your answer is “I don’t deserve it,” that is your shame talking. If you still feel like you don’t deserve forgiveness, perhaps you believe you need to earn it. 

How do you earn forgiveness? Be open about what you feel you need forgiveness for. Be open to yourself about what it is you feel you have done which may allow you to shift some negative beliefs and be more compassionate and forgiving toward yourself.

If you find you are still overwhelmed with guilt or shame about how your past behavior has affected someone, click here for additional support.