The Dalai Lama defined compassion as a “wish that all beings be free from suffering.” This includes you, which underscores the necessity of self-compassion and self-kindness. But how do we learn compassion? We practice it.

We exhibit the best times to practice compassion when we are stressed or overwhelmed, nevertheless we’re much more likely to inhibit when it’s the utmost essential. Eschewing this vital practice is exactly how we drain our vitality. You’re likely familiar with the “fight or flight” response, which typically manifests when we’re stressed and our survival instincts kick in. On the one hand, we become reactive defending against stressors, and on the other, we isolate, seeking to flee from the stressor. Sometimes both sides of that coin are lose-lose and neither of these responses leave us feeling happy and satisfied. 

This tasks us with beginning to develop strategies to resolve our fight-or-flight psychological agitation and quell our physiological excitement. Compassion allows us to cope in positive ways, without turning to the fight-or-flight response when we fear danger. When we learn to manage our feelings in stressful situations, concomitantly we also find ways to sit with those feelings of discomfort, validating ourselves and our experiences. Now we’ve got a win-win on both sides; one side engineers compassion and the other utilizes mindfulness strategies. Spending this coin builds our tolerance towards stress, rather than leaving us spent.

So again, how do we develop compassion? There are a few ways. Try to schedule time to implement self-compassion each week. Once a day, every few days, tailor a schedule that works best for you and dedicate a few moments to note these stressors and diligently preclude self-admonishment with self-kindness. Then increase the time periods in your compassion calendar to include these measures of mindfulness.

Just like the definition, throughout this time, focus on wishing yourself and others to be “free from suffering.” Spend time determining what those practices look like for you.

1.     Could it be a meditation session?

2.     Is it a wish of intention to validate yourself more often?

3.     Give yourself more space for self-care? See the positive traits others often compliment you for?

4.     Being more purposeful in your self-communication?

Think about the ways in which you might suffer and spend a few minutes thinking the opposite. Retain your self-compassion and remind yourself of all the great things you do, emphasizing that you are doing your best as you are.

If this process is initially overwhelming, that’s okay. It happens to the best of us. Maybe try practicing with someone else first. Think of a friend or loved one and wish compassion toward them. If that also feels like a challenge, start with a mantra or affirmation of positivity toward all beings. The goal here is to set a positive intention to wish others well, including yourself.

Researcher Stephen Porges says that to feel secure, you need to have cues that signal your safety. This could be a hug from a loved one, setting an intention in your routine, words of affirmation, or reflecting on something else that makes you feel good. Try to incorporate one of these and consider one of the suggestions above into your compassion practice.

Remember that investing in a compassion coin is a stake in your mental health whereas a fight-or-flight one is an expenditure no one can afford.

How do you incorporate compassion into your life? Interested in receiving support in developing more self-compassion strategies? Click here.