Trauma & Love
Being in a relationship with someone who has a trauma history can be uniquely challenging. Individuals who experience trauma may behave in ways that are difficult to understand, including panic attacks, distrust, anger, or disengagement. Trauma can interrupt emotional processing, making it hard for them to articulate what is happening inside. This often leads to conflict, miscommunication, and uncertainty about how to provide support.
Trauma and Behavior
To respond effectively, it is essential to understand the nature of trauma. Trauma refers to intense emotional and psychological distress linked to an event or series of events, such as:
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Abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional)
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Witnessing or experiencing violence
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Poverty or homelessness
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Neglect
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Serious injury or illness
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Sudden death of a loved one
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Experiencing racism or discrimination
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Natural disasters
During a traumatic event, the body enters a survival state that may prevent emotional processing. When triggered later, your partner may respond as if they are experiencing the trauma again, often exhibiting fight, flight, or freeze behaviors.
Fight Response
In a fight response, the body becomes highly activated, releasing energy to escape or confront a threat. Indicators may include:
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Aggression (raising voice, acting out, escalating conflict)
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Overwhelm (sobbing, shaking)
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Agitation (appearing on edge)
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Anxiety or panic
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Misperceptions (distrust, negative assumptions)
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Violence toward self or others (screaming, hitting, verbal attacks, threats)
Freeze Response
In a freeze response, the body becomes deactivated and numb to conserve resources. Signs may include:
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Disengagement (shutting down, silence)
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Difficulty focusing or remembering details
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Depression (oversleeping, disinterest in activities)
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Stonewalling (refusal to engage in conflict)
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Substance use to avoid pain
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Sexual distance
These states may appear suddenly and in neutral situations, which can be confusing and make partners feel like the behaviors are irrational.
How to Help Your Partner
Educate Yourself on Trauma
Understanding trauma helps you develop compassion for your partner. Recognize that many responses are outside of their control. This awareness allows you to see behaviors as reactions to an overwhelmed nervous system, not personal attacks.
Identify Triggers
Learn what triggers your partner’s trauma responses—and recognize your own. For example, a partner may react strongly to a business trip due to past experiences of neglect or abandonment. Understanding triggers enables reassurance and emotional regulation.
Learn to Scale Distress
Use an emotional scale (e.g., 0-10) to gauge distress. If your partner is above a certain level, pause the discussion to allow time for regulation. This approach helps prevent escalation and improves problem-solving.
Understand Your Boundaries
Compassion does not mean enabling harmful behaviors. Violence, verbal assault, and threats are unacceptable. Maintain your boundaries, and avoid taking responsibility for your partner’s emotional wellbeing.
Know When to Get Help
Therapy can provide essential support. Couples therapy can address relational dynamics, while individual therapy can increase awareness and promote personal growth.
Moving Forward
Trauma can feel overwhelming in a relationship, but with compassion, education, and intentional effort, both partners can cultivate growth, understanding, and connection.
Interested in support for you, your partner, or seeking couples counseling? Click here.
