How To De-Escalate A Fight With Your Partner

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De-Escalating Your Next Argument

The best way to de-escalate an argument is to control your emotions. If you do that, there’s a good chance your partner will follow suit. To prevent things from getting out of control, try the following tips.

1. Breathe Deeply or Exit The Situation

When you start to feel heated, the first thing you should do is take a few deep breaths and count to 10. This gives you a few moments to collect yourself and think more clearly. If you find that deep breathing is not working, the best thing to do may be to leave each other’s presence until both of you can calmly talk about what happened.

2. Hear Your Partner Out

During arguments, it’s common to only hear the key buzzwords and then seize upon them with reactionary responses. This is how arguments elevate from a slight attitude, to an all out brawl. A more effective way to communicate is through active listening. Instead of formulating your thoughts and responses in your next argument, first look your partner in the eye and truly hear them out. Then you can calmly convey your points in response.

3. Be Open Minded

Let the other person lay out their entire viewpoint first and be open to a change in your opinion. Maybe one of you is only partially right, in that case, there would be no winner to the argument.

4. Don’t Yell or Scream

As soon as you raise your voice, you give your partner control and all of your logical points become irrelevant because you let emotion get the better of you. All yelling will do is suggest you are being irrational and emotional. Instead, remain calm and logical to clearly convey how you’re feeling.

5. Keep Your Conversation Relevant

The best way to find resolution in an argument is to stick to talking about whats relevant. You begin to convolute your argument when you start bringing up things that are just not related to the current discussion.


Should You Consider Couples Counseling?

For many couples, the idea of bringing a third party into their relationship is scary — or just plain out of the question. But it’s best to seek therapy long before you think it’s needed. Asking yourself these questions could help decide if professional help is worth pursuing:

  • Are you struggling to resolve the conflict on your own between the two of you?

  • Has your emotional and sexual intimacy diminished due to your arguments.

  • Do you or your partner have bad habits that are impacting your relationship negatively?

  • Has trust been broken?

  • Do you argue much more frequently than you have in the past?

  • Has it been a struggle to communicate?

  • Do you feel like something isn’t right?


All relationships are difficult in some form or another. There will be disagreement, conflict, and hurt even in the best of times. Relationship counseling can help individuals and couples grow and heal. If you feel like you and your partner could benefit from talking to a neutral 3rd party, consider working with a therapist.