When an unexpected situation or conversation occurs that does not go in your favor, it is second nature to act upon the first thoughts and feelings that come to mind. However, these thoughts and feelings may not always be the most effective way to handle whatever the situation may be. It is important to respond to situations rather than to react. You may be thinking, what is the difference? Reacting and responding are similar in nature as both come from a place of wanting to be heard or understood. However, there are differences between these two.
Reacting is fueled by emotions without a second thought as to how this will be perceived or communicated. Typically, it is the first thought or feeling that pops into your head. These reactions are often driven by feelings of hurt, anger, or fear. When we react with our emotions without taking time to process the message we are trying to communicate, it can trigger an argument or misunderstanding.
On the other hand, responding to a situation comes from a place of effective communication. Responding comes from a place of logical thought rather than allowing the emotions to control the situation. To move forward in responding, it is important to pause and process the emotions prior to engaging in the discussion. In this “pause” take the time to consider the impact your words may have on the situation, both long-term and short-term. This pause allows time to deliver the same message that you are trying to communicate, but it takes away any defensiveness or the urge to lash out.
To help better paint these differences, here is an example of a situation with both a reaction and response.
Situation: You come home after a long, stressful day at work. You are looking forward to sitting on the couch for at least a half an hour to unwind prior to starting any household tasks. Your partner hears the door open and says hello, but quickly asks you to assist in the kitchen. Immediately you become frustrated.
Reaction: The frustration takes over and you find yourself becoming defensive with an attitude. You snap and quickly blurt out, “Absolutely not. I can’t believe you would ask me to do something like that right when I walk through the door”. Your stress is now being taken out on your partner despite them not knowing that you had a long day at work. Next thing you know there is an argument.
Response: The frustration sets in, but you take a few seconds to think about your next steps. In these few seconds you take a deep breath and realize that the frustration is being set off from the ongoing stress you had been already feeling. Instead of acting on this frustration, you express to your partner “Is it okay if I help with the dishes in a little while? I had a stressful day and just need to sit down for a little while.” Your partner is better able to understand why you are not ready to help in the kitchen and gives you the space to relax.
Which scenario sounds better? In my opinion, the second in which you took the time to respond rather than react. This is a skill that may take some time to master, but practice helps!
Need some support in identifying whether reacting or responding in a situation works better? Click here for additional support.