Anger is one of the emotions most people would put in their list of fundamental feelings that they, and most others, would experience regularly. There are entire treatment modalities and services specifically dedicated to anger management that help educate and coach individuals in recognizing anger triggers and reducing the spikes in distress in the moment. This does lead to the idea that anger is one of the most common emotions that people do struggle with in ways that directly effects their lives. Though anger is a very strong feeling and one of the ways we may choose to express how we feel in many situations in our lives, it was during my start as a therapist that I was taught, and then reaffirmed through my experiences, that anger almost always comes second. This is means that it is rarely a primary emotion and is often then referred to as a secondary emotion. A secondary emotion refers to a feeling one has about another already existing feeling. It is here that the iceberg idea begins.
The Iceberg:
In the case of an iceberg, the commonly mentioned fact about them is that 90% of their mass is below the surface of the water. This literally means that as big as an iceberg may look from the deck of a ship, you will only be seeing a mere 10% of what is truly there. This interesting fact about a natural phenomenon is often used as a metaphor for highlighting the benefits of fully understanding something before believing that we have the entire picture. It is in this way that we can apply this visualization to our anger.
Anger As An Iceberg:
I don’t know about you, but when I am feeling anger, it can easily feel like that is all there is and that there is no need to be mindful of any other feelings. This can be common for many people which is what makes this iceberg metaphor so helpful to promote a more intentional and conscious approach to experiencing anger. If we imagine our emotions as an iceberg in that all the anger we are feeling is considered just the 10% that we can see out of the water, then to consider the other 90% of what you are feeling hidden beneath the surface can directly affect how we choose to behave and how well we are able to cope with our experiences. These other feelings are commonly listed as (but not limited to) fear, pain, stress, grief, anxiety, sadness, or disgust. While anger would have you lash out, become aggressive, or judge yourself or others harshly, these other feelings would be better served by very different looking responses in our lives. Therefore, seeing your anger as just a reaction to your true feelings and then intentionally interacting with those primary feelings instead, would allow you to reduce your distress more effectively, reduce the damage done by impulsive behaviors/choices, and help you communicate to those in your life more genuinely and successfully.
So the next time you feel yourself getting angry, ask yourself “am I scared of what may happen?”, “am I hurt by what has happened?”, “am I reacting because I am already grieving the loss of something in my life?”. If you need help sorting these questions out, seeking the support of trusted friends and family and/or meeting with a therapist may be helpful.