Whether it be with our partners, friends, family or a stranger in a grocery store, disagreements, arguments and conflict can happen. They are a normal part of our relationships and even the healthiest of relationships experience them. However, just because everyone experiences them, does not make them any easier to deal with. In fact, in the heat of the moment, even the smallest of disagreements can feel like they begin to spiral out of control and end up turning into a much bigger problem. To navigate these disagreements, there are some strategies we can use to reduce the intensity of the disagreement and possibly even end it in a better place than it began. Although it “takes two to tango”, just one person changing their behavior and responses in a disagreement can change the course of the conversation.
Nearly anytime you look up a strategy to manage disagreements, taking a time-out is on the list. We are human beings and as human beings, our emotions can escalate quickly in a disagreement. For some, these emotions can come out as anger, while for others it can be sadness or shutting down. Unfortunately, the more intense emotions we are feeling in a disagreement, the more impulsively and irrationally we respond (it’s how our brains are programmed to work) and these responses typically are not the most productive or helpful, contributing to the downward spiral. If you, the other person, or both, are starting to notice these feelings in a disagreement, it’s time to take a time-out. The time-out can be as long as needed, but it should be just enough time to cool down. It is also important to communicate and agree to the stipulations of the time-out with the other person prior to leaving. Agreeing to meet back up in ten minutes in the kitchen, rather than just walking away, helps to promote positive communication and lets the other person know that you are not avoiding or disregarding the conversation.
The next question is what I do in my time-out? The answer to that is entirely up to you! This is your time to unwind, relax and/or process everything that just happened. Keep in mind the time you agreed to continue the conversation, but use whatever strategies you know and can to cool off. It can be going outside, breathing, reading, watching something, petting your dog (or cat), or maybe something else entirely. Once you're ready and it’s time to meet back up, head to the meeting area and now let’s try this again.
It is important to recognize that prior to taking a time-out, some hurtful things might have been said. Although the sooner we begin to recognize our emotions starting to spiral, the better, we may not catch ourselves until we are well into the “ugly” part of an argument and that’s okay. It is always better late than never, and after calming down and reflecting on how things went, we may want to apologize and take responsibility for our part in it, even if the other person does not do the same. This is one way we can work toward a resolution, even if we do disagree.
Bonus Tip: Although this post discussed taking a time-out when in a disagreement with another person, we can do the same when we’re by ourselves! Just like during an argument, if we’re engaging in a task and we become increasingly frustrated or emotional, take a time-out! We are able to think more clearly, more rationally and more productively after calming down.
Interested in learning more about the importance of time-outs? Click here for information on seeking support from our team of clinicians!