As much as we would like to never experience grief, it is a universal experience that is unfortunately inevitable. Grief is the acute feeling of shock, overwhelming sadness & pain when someone passes away. It comes on suddenly, is strong & usually knocks the wind out of us. Grief comes in waves & may impact you at different times in your life. For example, if you just received a promotion at work, your first instinct might be to call your mother to share the good news. As you pick up the phone, you suddenly remember that your mother passed away a few years ago. The realization that she is no longer living, causes feelings of grief to wash over you. This is how grief ebbs & flows. Grieving on the other hand is the process of how we adapt to this loss in order to move forward with our lives. Grieving is fluid & demonstrates the relationship we have with grief as it changes over time.
Well known psychologist William Worden has created a framework to assist with the grieving process. His theory is called the Four Tasks of Mourning & is designed to help those heal in a healthy & practical manner. If you have lost a loved one, the tasks listed below will help guide you through your journey.
1) To Accept the Reality of the Loss
Cognitively you are aware the person has passed away, however emotionally you may be in a state of shock or disbelief. Allow yourself to experience any emotions that arise without judgement. The emotions that come up will help you process this loss as a whole. The most common ways that one can accept the reality of a loss, is to engage in tasks that must be completed for the deceased. This may include calling the funeral home to arrange services, choosing the clothes your loved one will wear, informing friends/family members on the phone & participating in the rituals of a funeral or memorial service. Another way of accepting this loss is demonstrated by thinking & speaking about the deceased person in the past tense.
2) To Work Through the Pain & Grief
Now that the funeral is over, it’s time to process all of these different feelings that keep bubbling up to the surface. Grievers may experience a variety of emotions such as, but not limited to: sadness, loneliness, anger, guilt, shame, anxiety, fear & relief. This second task is very broad because everyone’s grief experience will be different. Much of the grief work in this phase, lies in acknowledging these emotions & then speaking about them out loud. There is a societal stigma surrounding death & this causes many people discomfort when discussing the topic. As a result, many people will avoid the emotions they are experiencing due to this. Do not repress your emotions. It’s important to remember that whatever emotions you experience during the grieving process are 100% valid.
3) To Adjust to an Environment Without the Deceased
It is now that you will adjust to your new normal. This third task involves external, internal & spiritual adjustments to be made. External adjustments require you to adapt to a new physical world without your loved one present. This may involve examining the roles that you both played in the home. For example: if your spouse took care of the finances, you must now take over this task in their absence. Adjusting to this new environment may cause a lot of anxiety & stress- remember that this is normal. Internal adjustments lead to figuring out how this loss impacts your self-identity. This a very big change & often causes one to experience a range of emotions. Who am I without this loved one in my life? This is important to contemplate as you move through your grieving process. Lastly, a spiritual adjustment may involve questioning your belief system or trusting in your faith as a means of comfort. You may ask yourself -What is my spiritual belief system in regards to the afterlife? What does my religion teach about death? It is often in this phase that many people begin to question the meaning of life as they move through the grieving process.
4) To Find an Enduring Connection with the Deceased While Embarking on a New Life
This final task encourages you to find a long lasting spiritual & emotional connection to your loved one, while beginning to live life without them physically present. This means that you begin to entertain thoughts & memories of the deceased in a healthy manner, which also allows you to engage in meaningful life activities. This last task is the hardest & may take a very long time to achieve. Often times people feel guilty for moving forward with their lives & therefore stay stuck in the grieving process. It’s important to remember that your loved one would want you to go on living in a way that brings happiness to your life. It is here that you create a balance between remembering your loves ones while enjoying each & every day to the fullest.
Works Cited
Worden, J. William. Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner. 5th ed., Springer Publishing Company LLC, 2018.
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