It often feels easy to be kind to others, however, doing so for ourselves becomes much more difficult. Often we can easily jump into being kind and supportive toward our loved ones, however, we are often critical toward ourselves. For many of us, we have learned to see ourselves through a negative lens due to prior experiences. We may feel self-critical because we feel this is the only way to succeed or these negative thoughts can be a reflection of a low opinion we have of ourselves.
Our relationship with ourselves is often at the core of other challenges such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or difficulties in relationships. How do we shift to seeing ourselves and treating ourselves the same way we treat others? If we can learn to be our own friends and practice self-compassion, we can boost our spirits and alleviate some of the struggles leading to that increased critical voice.
Often we are harsher toward ourselves than we would be toward any other person. When we make a mistake or something doesn't turn out the way we anticipate, a downward spiral of ruminating thoughts can occur, “I can’t believe I did that. I’m so dumb. Why am I so sensitive?”. Whether learning this behavior from critical caregivers as a child or feeling it is the only way to success, these negative thoughts often spiral and make us feel worse, causing us to struggle to move forward.
Self-compassion
Self-compassion is the practice of being compassionate to yourself. Self-compassion can be a challenge when you are used to being critical and unkind toward yourself. You can learn to be a good friend to yourself with practice. One way to begin to do this is intentionally shifting your self-talk to a more compassionate space.
For example, when making a mistake, rather than beating yourself up, consider reframing this thought to, “It’s okay, everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. I am allowed to fail sometimes.”. Try placing your hand on shoulder or chest to provide yourself comfort. You might even try speaking in the second person or using your name. This might seem weird but it can be comforting to show yourself compassion and acknowledge things will be okay.
Another way to give yourself compassion and be your own friend is by giving yourself credit when you do a good job. It’s easy for us to celebrate a friend’s accomplishments however difficult to celebrate our own. Intentional and positive self-talk can help reframe and celebrate you. Try to say something to yourself like, “You did a great job today!” or “You’re a caring friend!”. This is particularly helpful when you come across those who may invalidate you or overlook positive things about you.
Self-care
Another part of being a good friend to yourself is recognizing when you need something and giving it to yourself. When you develop and utilize self-care practices, you treat yourself as someone who deserves to be nurtured and cared for. Choose activities that make you feel positive and relaxed, whether taking a bubble bath, making your favorite meal or watching your favorite television show. If you notice you’ve had a stressful day or you have noticed you are feeling anxious or upset, set aside time to do self-care activities as this can help. When you identify the things that you can do for self-care and intentionally give them to yourself, you remain a kind and compassionate friend to yourself.
Being self-critical can be a lifelong habit with many of us not realizing how hard we are on ourselves until we start really focusing and paying attention. When you find yourself becoming critical of your mistakes and emotions, practice self-compassion as this can shift your thoughts toward the positive. Shift your self-talk to be more self-compassionate and kind; you’ll notice that you may start to feel better about yourself. When you practice self-care, you learn to manage your stress and negative emotions.
When you feel good about yourself, your symptoms of depression and anxiety may alleviate and you may find yourself feeling more confident and accepting of others’ appreciation and love for you. Your relationship with yourself is crucial to your confidence, mood, and ability to show care and love. By creating a positive and compassionate attitude toward yourself you can see monumental shifts in your life.
If self-compassion is a goal for you this year, reach out to us to explore it further in therapy.