I always found my daughter beautiful, smart, and witty. I never realized that underneath all of that was deep seated insecurity, and a harsh struggle to keep her head above water. I never realized she was secretly weighing herself daily, throwing away food or feeding it to the dogs. I didn’t realize all of the content on her Tik Tok were to lose weight, get eyelash extensions, cover up her blemishes, and to work out isolated muscle groups to control the image and shape of her body. I didn’t realize all of the ads on her feed were various diets, books to buy to flatten her stomach, or things to clear her acne. I didn’t realize that she thought she was fat, and hated herself, and she always skipped breakfast and lunch. I caught her staring at herself in the mirror a few times and pinching her stomach and touching her thighs, but I never realized that the thought behind it was body checking. I just thought she was a normal insecure middle schooler that was in her awkward growing stage.
The day I found out she had an eating disorder I was shocked. I had no idea what that was and I felt so guilty that I didn’t see it sooner. I am her parent. I should have known. I want to protect her and I feel like I failed. I am going to walk this journey with her, and help her with her recovery, but I don’t know where to start. I didn’t understand. I tried to tell her she was beautiful or tell her that her outfit she picked for school was cute. I don’t know why I was met with anger, crying, and her blaming me. I’m trying to help. I was desperate. I wanted anything, everything, something, to take all of this struggle, pain, and illness away and I felt angry and powerless at the same time. I soon realized that although this was her journey, her struggle, her recovery, I could walk beside her and support her in every way I can. I could read, I could educate myself on recovery, and never give up on her.
If you are a parent seeking out help and to better understand how to support your child, male or female, living with an eating disorder, you may feel that the above narrative was a personal diary entry of yours. Maybe you just started to learn more, or you are here because you suspect your child is struggling with unhealthy eating habits, or maybe something more severe.
Seek professional help. Taking that first step towards recovery and asking for help with an eating disorder specialized provider can be scary. Finding a professional can be overwhelming all on its own. If you have a medical or mental health professional already involved, as for their help! Calling your insurance company can help direct you as well. If you want to take the search into your own hands, Google can help you locate therapists, psychologist’s, and psychiatrists that advertise specialty and certification to help.
Depending on the situation, it may be wise to ask the person in mind if they would like help in the first place, and if they would like to be involved in setting up an appointment. This may reduce stress and anxiety during this process. If they are an adult, they will have to be on the call, but they may want your support to be there while they do.
If the professional isn’t a good match, encourage them to keep looking. Sometimes it isn’t the right fit with a therapist and it will take some searching to find one that they feel they can work well with, and feel comfortable with. On rare occasions, it can take a few tries before they feel they met with the better fit.
Be wary of the eating disorder excuses. It is one thing to meet with the correct people, but following through with those appointments regularly is important. Be wary of continued behaviors or hiding continued behaviors. Keep in mind that relapses happen and the road to recovery is not linear, however, be mindful if you suspect they are not entirely maintaining their commitments.
Treat them all the same. Avoid exclusively talking about eating disorder treatment, recovery, and advocacy. They are still your loved one after all and maintain their same interests.
Medical treatment is important. Along with therapy and possible medication management for co-morbid concerns like anxiety and depression, medical check-ups with their primary care physician, gastroenterologist, or other specialists is extremely important. This will help with routine lab work and reduce the likelihood of immediate health risks, especially if the eating disorder behavior is severe.
Befriend the part of them that wants to recover and be their ally. Changing behaviors can be scary, slow moving, and can take time. Validating, affirming, and supporting the part of them that wants to get better is important, especially during moments where they may want to give up. Sometimes other things come up that can help lead them towards recovery like anxiety, depression, social anxiety, isolation, sleep issues, fatigue, and feeling cold.
Help them see why they want to get better if they need a reminder. What do they want to do? Go to college? Travel? Have a family? Get a job? Graduate high school? If you can help them with those overarching goals that recovery will lead them to, it can help them remain focused and overlook the short-term benefits that their eating disorder provides them.
Find the balance between ignoring and forcing the issue. This walk is a fine line between being consistent, advocating, asserting, and boundaries. If you press the issue and it leads to arguments and fights, they want to avoid you. However, if you ignore the issue it can lead to enabling but also potential death. Regular check-in’s with your loved ones can help as you talk about how they are doing and how recovery is going.
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