Often individuals come into therapy looking to understand and explore self-esteem as well as boost their self-esteem. Individuals develop a close, trusting relationship with their therapist and share a lot about themselves. Through this process one can begin to feel that a genuine relationship has built and that they and their therapist have mutual respect for each other. Through the therapeutic relationship, one can heal from past negative experiences and shift their perspectives around various situations and circumstances. Self-esteem is often linked to many of these.
So what is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is defined as the degree to which we evaluate ourselves in a positive manner. This includes our physical image of ourselves, how we view our accomplishments and abilities, and is often informed by how others perceive and respond to us.
Self-esteem informs our experiences. It allows us to identify when we feel really good, and when maybe we feel really bad. Self-esteem also helps us identify what we can do to feel better. It allows us to identify what we admire in others as well as moments where we feel disappointed or frustrated.
Validation & Authenticity
Often we find ourselves in environments where we struggle to find acceptance or find we are often feeling rejected. At those moments we often develop “pseudo-selves” as a way to meet expectations others may have, that are not necessarily true. We create these “pseudo-selves” as a way to be accepted. While it is important to be able to adjust to others at times, going to extreme lengths to appease others by hiding important parts of ourselves is usually a red flag. Often our “pseudo-selves” are rewarded causing us to become out of touch with our true selves - unable to connect to our true feelings and values. This can also cause us to lose the opportunity for genuine validation. This can result in depression, rage, emptiness, confusion, anxiety, self-harm, and substance abuse.
Genuine Validation in Therapy
Therapy is a very different experience from the environments described above. Over time, you begin to share with your therapist. You share deep thoughts and experiences that may feel vulnerable or bring up feelings of shame or regret. Sharing in this way, being honest and open, when your therapist respects and accepts these experiences, one can feel validated. This validation can allow you to build confidence to recognize yourself for who you truly are, removing this “pseudo-self” for a more authentic one.
We live our lives through stories and make sense of the world around us in this way. Our sense of selves and self-esteem also stems from the stories we create. Therapy allows opportunities to explore the stories we tell ourselves and others, as well as stories that have been passed down from one generation to the next. One type of therapy, Internal Family Systems, allows focus on “parts” work - speaking from different voices or parts within ourselves. This process can help identify many stories we live by and allow us to identify how stories support or negatively impact us.
Protecting Self-Esteem in Therapy
Self-esteem is fragile for many of us. Positive events make us feel good however criticism and rejection can destroy us and shame can pop up. Navigating vulnerability in therapy has to be support by empathy and honesty. In order to be validated, you need to be seen and judgment does not provide this. Therapy allows you to own your mistakes and limitations, while maintaining self-esteem. Therapists model “good enough” self-esteem by willing to engage in this idea that all of us are not perfect. This is realistic self-esteem - something we can all benefit from.
Self-esteem vs. Self-compassion
Self-esteem has limitations though. Researchers highlight that self-esteem can let us down when we really need it: during periods where we compare ourselves. The answer to this: self-compassion, which helps to bolster self-esteem.
Self-compassion doesn’t focus on evaluations by others but rather focuses on interconnection. Self-compassion and self-esteem have the same benefits but self-compassion has less downsides. Self-compassion involves being kind to ourselves when we notice something about ourselves we don’t like, instead of judging or being harsh with ourselves. By doing this, we can feel good about ourselves because we focus on feeling intrinsically worthy of respect, rather than because we are better than someone else. By feeling emotionally safe in therapy, we can more clearly see the need and the types of changes we need to grow.
Therapy can offer an opportunity to build your self-esteem and practice self-compassion. Reach out if you could use some additional support building self-esteem and self-compassion.