If you have teenagers or have older children who were at some time a teenager, you may be able to understand how different it can be to interact with someone from the ages of 13-19 than it is to interact with someone younger or older. It has been well documented those adolescent years have unique and often challenging experiences for both the teen as well as those close to them in their lives. It is in these years that many parent-teen relationships suffer with both parties feeling as if the other is so disconnected. This is a common issue that many families struggle with, and it is also indicative of a time in all our adolescent journeys that we may use to relate to one another.
In psychology, many disorders are restricted in their diagnosing as to not being able to be diagnosed until adulthood. This is due in-part to there being a lack of distinction from the disorder criteria and what may be called “typical adolescent behaviors”. This along with the characteristics of the adolescent brain suggest that despite appearing like they are almost fully grown, teenagers require patience and authenticity. A study by Konrad, K., Firk, C., & Uhlhaas, P. J. (2013) entitled Brain Development During Adolescence: neuroscientific insights into this developmental period highlighted the stages of neurobiological development as one of the chief reasons for adolescent behavior. During these years of development, the subcortical brain regions that include the reward centers of the brain are more developed than the prefrontal cortex which is the region of the brain most responsible for executive functioning and what most people may call “maturity”. At this stage teenagers are more likely to take risks and reason with their emotions rather than logic which brings us to our next topic; how do you interact with someone at this stage?
1- Meet them where they are at.
While it is true that basic interpersonal skills like respect and empathy can be painful when they are missing in a relationship, it is important to keep in mind that when interacting with teenagers it is effective to meet them where they are. Instead of expecting them to have all their executive functioning skills right away, it is more effective to validate their struggles, acknowledge their feelings and accept that they do not yet have the skills to be effective themselves.
2- Be in the foxhole with your teen.
Teenagers are sensitive to being told what to do because they are just exiting the part of their lives where this happened about everything. Teenagers require less of a coach and more of a confidant. If your teen feels that you are in their foxhole with them side-by-side in their struggles instead of giving general barking orders from outside their struggles, then they will be more likely to be open and connect.
3- Don’t be afraid to be flawed.
A parent’s worst nightmare can be that their teens find out how hypocritical being a parent can be at times. We try to build that false image of always doing the right thing to try to be an ideal mentor for our kids. When your kids are teens, it is more effective to be real with them about your mistakes and the genuine lessons you learned from them rather than putting forth an image that “you would never have done what they do”. Teens feel flawed and need to learn from people they can relate to. Don’t be afraid to let your teen see you for who you are, this is a meaningful part of any relationship.
As teens continue to go through their years of growth and identity development it can be very easy to feel lost as their responses to life can change unexpectedly. If this is difficult and distressing for their parents, one can imagine what it is like for the teen themselves. There are therapists that can help with parent-teen relationship building so if you feel the need for more assistance feel free to book an appointment.