Being a parent and finding out that your child has been intentionally harming themselves without any intent to kill themselves can be bring up a range of emotions; it can be upsetting, difficult, and maybe even confusing. It is something that no parent ever wants to learn about their child. This can bring up many questions for a parent related to how to proceed or why this is happening. The following will help best answer these questions.
What is my child doing? This is a set of behaviors that are referred to as either self-injurious behavior, self-mutilation, self-harm, or non-suicidal self-injury. These terms refer to the set of behaviors in which you purposely inflict pain to your body without any intent of ending your life. Some examples include cutting, burning, skin-picking, and hair pulling.
Why is my child doing this? It can be difficult to understand why someone would engage in such behaviors, the answer to that is it varies. Each person has their own reasons for engaging in these behaviors, the following are just some examples of why someone may purposely be harming themselves.
· Feeling numb to emotions: Some individuals have difficulty connecting with their emotions and instead experience numbness. Those that feel distressed or frustrated with the lack of connection will crave the feeling of something, so they turn to the experience of physical pain through self-injury.
· Punishment: Some individuals experience guilt or the thought that they did something “wrong”. These feelings can be triggered by a multitude of incidents, some examples include getting into an argument with a loved one, experiencing negative self-talk, failing a test, etc. Over time this can become overwhelming and cause one to feel as though they need to punish themselves through self-harming.
· Physical pain feels better: Some individuals feel uncomfortable in the emotional pain that they experience, so much so that they feel physical pain can be better. This can cause one to inflict physical pain to distract from or get a short break from the emotional pain.
What can I do? As difficult as it can be, it is important to move forward as calmly as possible to provide the best support for your child. Remember, this is a difficult situation for both you and your child. Here are some helpful tips on what to do next:
· Have a conversation: Move forward in having a conversation with your child from a nonjudgmental standpoint without punishment. Ask them questions on how they would like to be supported or potential reasons as to why they are engaging in this behavior. It is important to be as supportive as possible during this conversation for your child to feel comfortable to come to you in the future if they have urges to self-harm again. In this conversation refrain from expressing blame, anger, judgment, or punishment toward these behaviors.
· Safety plan: Work with your child in developing a plan to maintain safety if these urges arise again; identify people they feel safe speaking with and stress reduction activities/hobbies. Remove access to objects that they use to harm themselves (sharp objects, lighters, etc.) for the foreseeable future, typically a lock box or locked cabinet would be the best way to do so.
· Seek out counseling: If your child is not already speaking with a licensed professional, now is the time to seek this out for them. Talking with a therapist is beneficial in understanding these urges and developing skills to manage them. If your child already has a therapist, it is important for you and/or your child to make them aware of the behaviors. Additionally, if you as the parent are having difficulty in understanding or supporting, it could be beneficial to seek out your own counseling.
· Seek out medical assistance: If you feel that your child’s wounds look deep or infected, make sure to get them the proper medical assistance to address this.
For additional support, including therapy services, click here. If you feel that your child is unable to maintain safety to themselves, seek out emergency services through your local screening center or your local emergency room.