Think back time a time where someone set a boundary with you, what did this feel like? What did you do?
When someone sets a boundary, it can feel sudden. To you, it may not even feel as though you were acting or speaking in a way that made this other person feel as though they needed to set a boundary. You may freeze up, become upset, or even start an argument.
Oftentimes, there are conversations focused on the importance of setting boundaries and how to do this, but there is not much discussion on how to navigate boundaries that others are setting with us. Read along to find out answers to some of the questions you may have.
What do I do with these emotions that I’m experiencing? When someone sets a boundary, you may experience varying emotions: confusion, anger, sadness, or even worry. Take the time to acknowledge any negative emotions or thoughts you may be experiencing as a result of the boundary being set. You are allowed to experience these emotions; in fact, it is a very natural response. However, it is important that you do not allow them to take control of your actions or reactions to this boundary. So, take the time to process the emotion or emotions you are experiencing and identify reasons you may be feeling this way. If the emotions continue to feel strong, engage in breathing exercises or grounding techniques.
What do I do when a boundary is being set with me? To start off, allow the person to have their time to speak without interruption. You want to display kind body language as they speak by making eye contact and not presenting as closed off. Make note to not cross your arms or turn away from this person. Although the topic may feel upsetting or frustrating, it is important to stay present in the conversation and actively listen in order to fully understand what it is this person is saying. If you find it hard to stay present and listen, it is okay to express needing a break from the conversation. An example of taking a break from the conversation could be, “I respect what you are saying and want to fully understand, I need to take a quick break and come back”.
What do I say when a boundary is being set with me? There is not one specific way to respond to someone when they set a boundary. However, it is important to approach any response with respect in both tone and body language. Avoid becoming defensive or judgmental during this time. You want to express understanding in your language, remember it may have been difficult for this person to engage in this conversation. Use statements such as “thank you for sharing this with me”, “I will make sure to make these changes moving forward”, “I apologize for making you feel (upset, frustrated, uncomfortable) in what I had been doing”.
If you are feeling that you do not understand the boundary, feel free to ask clarifying questions. Asking questions shows that you want to respect and understand the boundary that is being set. For further support in navigating and managing boundaries for yourself and others, click here.