Intimacy is a cornerstone of any close relationship. This intimacy can come from many different parts of a relationship and look very different from one another, but they all have one thing in common; trust and vulnerability. Whether this relationship is between you and your parents, best friend, or romantic partner, if it is a close relationship then they know the real you and you trust them not to hurt you with that information. It is here that we let our walls down that would otherwise be up with other people. Having your walls down is the vulnerable state that makes these relationships so strong and meaningful. There are many myths and misconceptions about intimacy that regularly affects the quality of a relationship. Below are a few that may help in finding more meaning in your close relationships.
Myth: Vulnerability = weakness
Fact: When you define weakness as the ability to do that which is easy and define strength as the ability to do that which is difficult, being able to be vulnerable would have the physical equivalent of picking up a cement truck and shaking it to get the last drops of cement out like a ketchup bottle. We can all be defensive and guarded most of our lives in some way. That is easy. Being real and trusting people is hard.
Myth: Being uncomfortable with being vulnerable means it is bad.
Fact: While you should reflect on what you are uncomfortable with and why before committing to anything, the idea that this is an indicator of the value of being vulnerable in a relationship is an over-generalization. Similarly, if one is uncomfortable with getting an injection yet strives in their life to stay healthy and well, their goals would indicate the task of coping through the experience with needles to achieve what they truly want. A trusting and intimate relationship is very valuable and a therapeutic provider can help you if this myth is where you struggle.
Myth: I can be intimate without being vulnerable or needing to trust.
Fact: Though people do have different experiences with intimacy in their lives, the ideas of trust and intimacy are always linked. Think of a basic handshake. The handshake was first developed as a sign of trust between ancient travelers to show that they were not wielding any weapons. We have to trust that the other person will at least not hurt us to even get physically close to them. From here, the more intimate the relationship gets, the more vulnerable we are to trust the person to treat us well.
Myth: Intimacy is in service of the other person and/or the relationship, not for me.
Fact: Trust and intimacy can cause pain due to the trust of another person being broken. It is here where a lot of people lose stock in being vulnerable and intimate again or believe that it is for the relationship and merely a sacrifice of the individual. The truth is that an intimate relationship cannot be successfully achieved, and the mutual emotional benefits are experienced unless each person knows how to effectively become vulnerable and build trust.
As a social species, it is hardwired in us to feel rewarded when we achieve intimate relationships. However, that does not mean the process is easy. Once achieved, these relationships offer support, validation, community, protection, comradery, and perhaps most importantly… a witness to your life. These are some of the reasons why working with a therapist on building an intimate relationship with a family member, friend, or partner is beneficial to you and the relationship. If any of these myths sound like something you struggle with, feel free to reach out and schedule an appointment.
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